A note goodbye
by You'llHaveToGuessIt
Summary: When Gold offered her the potion, she didn't want to drink it, and didn't. But now she kinda regrets choosing to stick around. Some brief references to suicide, if that's a trigger for anyone. I don't mean to be insensitive in writing this. I got this idea and then it wouldn't go away. So I wrote it down. I hope you guys enjoy it, let me know what you think -


It had been about 5 months since 'The Trigger', as the citizens of Storybrooke had called it. 5 months since a bunch of Fairy tale Characters had gone away on a magic ship to another realm. 5 months since Lacey had refused to drink that potion. Mr Gold had acted like he didn't mind when she upended the contents of the teacup, had shakily smiled when she picked up her whiskey and sat on the wet counter, waiting for the end of the world. Had shrugged when she lifted her glass and raised the rim to him, pointing out its new flaw. Had said it was 'just a cup', when she told him it was chipped.

She'd watched them go after the end of the world didn't come after all, had waved him off as Gold went to save the boy who would eventually be his undoing. Then she had gone to the nunnery or whatever it was called and found the Mother Superior, and handed her the scroll she had been expressly forbidden to open. She had opened it, but had been unable to read the words. They were all scribbles to her. The nun had read it though (and the nuns were all really hot (for nuns), and didn't dress like nuns - that one there was wearing a hot pink jellyfish-dress, and had gauzy wings her nun-friends were all admiring), and had nodded solemnly. Then she'd sent 'Belle' on her way, and had looked like a startled goldfish when Lacey corrected her on her name.

Then Lacey had gone to the diner. There she met 'the Dwarves', as they were often referred to, and had been embraced by the angry drunk one. He thought she was Belle too, but she soon set him right. His brother, once Tom Clark but now 'Sleepy' once more, asked why the potion didn't work for her. All were shocked when she said she didn't want to drink it.

So it had been five months since Lacey had decided to remain as she was, and two months since Mulan, Phillip, Aurora and Neal had climbed out of the local well and into Storybrooke. The first two insisted they recognized her, and the fourth looked at her disgustedly. Unlike the rest of the town, he didn't try to hide his disgust.

Oh they were polite to her, sure. Not a harsh word to be found. But the Dwarves never met her eye, and the old woman shook her head when her back was turned. The leery doctor flinched when she looked at him, and the waitress hesitated before speaking her name. They all hid it well, but they all disapproved of her decision to stay. They wanted her gone, and at first she had refused to oblige them.

But 'at first' had been five months ago, and a lot can change in that time. Or at least, become more obvious. And she'd only slept with Gold the once (not her first time with a man, the lack of pain supported that certainty, but for the life of her she couldn't recall the names or faces of any previous partners), but she knew it really only took once. She pretended that was why Neal looked at her with such disgust (it's creepy to think of your father getting a woman pregnant), although she knows it's because of the circumstances of their meeting. She also pretends it is the reason the florist (who claims to be her father, although she doesn't remember that) spits at her feet, but she knows it is association with the Pawnbroker of any kind that has him hating her.

So she's pregnant, and she doesn't know what to do. A part of her does, and is screaming to be free, but she knows that part is Belle, and refuses to give in to her. It's not too late for an abortion (which was her first choice) but the (only qualified) doctor refused, so now she's looking into her other options; primarily adoption. Ruby is, of course, not supporting her in the slightest. She claimed to be her friend, and Lacey can remember the late nights with her at the Rabbit Hole when they were teens, even if the waitress refuses to acknowledge it, but she won't help her when she needs it most. And Lacey knows why. She wants Belle back the most. And she's tried everything.

Gold would want the kid; he'd love it. It's an adventure. A chance to be brave. An amazing possibility, a chance to bring life. But Lacey doesn't want those things, however much this 'Belle' does. Did. She doesn't want to be brave, not like that, she wants to stay at home, drinking. She doesn't read, or know other languages, or break curses on Princes. She stays home, and she drinks. She doesn't want adventure, and she doesn't want this kid.

But Ruby doesn't understand that. She's trying to change who she is on the inside, whatever that takes. They threw her out the inn, so she had to move in to the Library. When she found the key to Gold's house, they threw out all the alcohol and replaced it with tea. They replaced her heels and dresses with modest skirts and boots. And today she and the old woman served her burgers and iced tea when she asked for three shots of whiskey and a bottle of wine. They refused because it was 'bad for the kid', and when she said she didn't want it, a shouting match began.

The waitress won, but only because she told Lacey she was weak, incomplete and selfish.

But she's right; Lacey emis/em selfish. And deep down, she doesn't want the kid to die. She wants it to have a happy, healthy life, with someone who loves it. She's been in denial for so long, and drinking in an effort to poison herself, that she'd say the kid was dead already if the Mother Superior hadn't been interfering. The nun hates her and wants her gone, but even that sour woman wants the kid to live. She's pretty sure the woman has been magicking the alcohol out of her system, which sucks because drinking lets her forget. And that, along with the knowledge that she can't raise a child, led her to make this decision. Her pregnancy can't be hidden anymore, so she's going to get rid of it. She's going to get rid of herself.

So now, 5 months after the Trigger, she's back where she was then. She moves, bumping into things with her swollen belly, to the back of the shop, behind the counter. Here there is a chest of liquids, and she pries it open once more. At least half are poisons, the others various types of magic. Two contain Mr Gold's hair, and that of another person. Some would argue that the 'other person', is the same in each case, but since the results of the combination are different, the people clearly aren't. The one with Belle's hair glows gold; the one with Lacey's glows not at all.

But she couldn't care less about that. There is only one she wants, a small vial containing a pleasant looking liquid with an unpleasant smell. She knows what it smells like because on occasion she has sniffed it experimentally, knowing she would only have to down it, one quick swig, in order to purge her very existence from this world forever. Each time she gets a dizzying headache, and puts the vial away again. But this time she will drink it, and gets the cup from within the glass case, because she feels ceremony is important. She prepares what she needs for this, and sets the cup and the contents down. She wonders if this is a wise choice, but she knows this place will always shun her. So she fetches paper and a pen too, and begins to write her suicide note.

_Dear Mr Gold. Rumplestiltskin? No, Mr Gold._

_This letter is also for whoever else wants to read it, because I know the next person in this shop will definitely read it. The thing is, I'm pregnant. The kid is yours, Gold, if you were wondering. Your other kid (Neal, I think) is also in town, just so you know. But anyway. I don't want it. The baby I mean. I want to want it, but I don't. I can't raise a kid. Perhaps if I loved you it would be different but I didn't. I don't. I never loved you. And that's the problem. I don't love the kid either. I'm about 5 months along, since that's when I'm writing this letter, and my feelings haven't changed._

_So it's 5 months since you abandoned me, which I'm oddly offended by, btw. That's a whole 5 months of people glaring at me, whispering about me, shunning me when they can. The man who says he's my father spits at me; the man who says he's your son curses me. Even Ruby, who was kind at first, says she would prefer me as Belle. I disagree, but it has become apparent that my opinion isn't important in the matter. Which leads me to why I'm doing this. I can't take the stares or the whispers, and I can't take the pregnancy. I'd be an awful mother. I'm sure you'd be a wonderful father, but I'm not giving you the chance. Not with /emmyem child. I don't know what will happen when I drink this. Perhaps it will kill me. Perhaps it won't. You never actually told me what it was, and I never bothered to ask._

_I'm sorry that I chose to do this, but I don't think you'll miss me. I don't think anybody will. I'm sorry for disappointing you Ruby. I hope that this makes it up to you._

_I think a part of me always wanted to be brave, some small tiny part that I haven't quite managed to drown with drink. I think this is being brave, even if it's called the coward's way out. And I figure, do something brave, and maybe bravery will follow. But if not, there's nothing wrong with being a coward. And now I've made my fate my own again. People have been trying to decide it for me, but I'm doing this because I want to._

_So sorry if this was a bad choice. Sorry for all the trouble I've caused._  
_And I'm sorry for stealing this experience from you, because I know you're reading this, and something tells me you would have been excited, right from the very start. I'm hoping this puts everything back to how it should be, before I came along._

_All the best, even if I think you're all a bunch of lunatics._  
_No offence, and farewell - Lacey._

She folded up her note and set it on the counter. With a deep breath she lifted the teacup to her lips, catching herself on its chip. Then she swallowed the liquid in one.

The world went black, and she glowed blue.


End file.
